my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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