i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
