I wish you could order shots online.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
