dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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