saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
