The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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