Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
