remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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