also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
