Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
