Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
