just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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