she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize