I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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