got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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