i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
