Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You took a bar mat shot.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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