I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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