Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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