Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
