Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
