When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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