I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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