I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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