The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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