So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
