I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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