Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
