i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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