i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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