I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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