i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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