I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
