I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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