I think I died a long time ago.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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