She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
