just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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