The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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