at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize