I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize