checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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