I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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