I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
