she looked like the before picture.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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