He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
