At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
