There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My bed smells like the plague
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
