Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The uberlube is also flammable
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
