is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
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