i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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