there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
