At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
