i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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