failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
