I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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