okay pat passed out under dana's car
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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