apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
