she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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