Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
