I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Welp...herpes.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
