sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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